THE ELVER GUIDE TO RHINEBECK, NEW YORK

Two hours upstate from Manhattan, where Chelsea Clinton got married and Rufus Wainwright grew up (which explains why he may or may not be prepared to sell you some chintzy wallpaper in this photograph). 

Very pretty and populated by farm shops, antiques stores and homeware bargains - see no further than Hammertown, unrelated to M C Hammer. Other favourites are the rug shop where the salesman Dave explained he couldn’t buy a rug for himself because he doesn’t have a house, and Grooming by Betsie which may or may not be an emporium for pedophiles. 

Outside the Rhinebeck Smoke Shop is this statue of a Native American chief looking like an outraged transvestite caught in flagrante. It may well be the oldest sculpture of a Native American in America, Rhinebeck claims the oldest everything in America.

If you have a car, check out the range of faux Georgian country houses in the area dating from the “let’s pretend to be English” phase - see Edith Wharton for details. But be warned, there’s a surprising amount of road rage simmering below Rhinebeck's Martha Stewart exterior. 

NO, OR AT LEAST NOT RIGHT NOW

Scientists at the Weizmann institute in Israel have discovered that female tears, based on an emotional reaction, reduce sexual arousal in men. Dr. Sobel from the institute explains: “Basically we found that it’s a chemically conditioned signal indicating no or at least not right now.” Unfortunately, they weren’t able to measure the effect of men’s tears on women because they couldn’t collect enough tears from their male volunteers. So basically ladies if you think “no” or at least “not right now,” then think of that bit in Last of the Mohicans when Jodhi May jumps off a cliff. And guys, what the hell is wrong with you people? Bambi's mother died, she's never coming back! You could at least shed one tiny little tear!

CAUSE JESUS HE KNOWS ME, AND HE KNOWS I"M RIGHT ...

Of all the weird and unexpected celebration days in the world - Squirrel Appreciation Day, Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk Day - I think this one tops them all. Every year, on the 15th February, Brooklyn hosts the Phil Collins Day Parade. This year saw 250 attendants dressed in Phil Collins masks, a float, a band and an imitation Phil. 

ARE YOU GOING TO SAN FRANCISCO?

For any lovers of San Francisco, this is the book for you. Author and resident Rebecca Solnit has created an atlas charting not only the geography of this 7 mile urban space, but a social, political and cultural history. A loving, minute exploration of the bay area with endless discoveries, from blues clubs to butterfly habitats. There are also 22 coloured maps, each by a different artist, which illustrate the book perfectly. 

DO YOU LOVE ME, NOW THAT I CAN DANCE?

Because it's been a bit of an art week, I'd like to bring your attention to MONPA, or the Museum of Non-Primate Art. The organisation has got some really great stuff this season that is definitely competing on an international level and I'd like to bring them some much-needed publicity. Their three current online collections are the thought-provoking Why Cats Paint, the emotive Dancing with Cats and the expressionist Bird Art. The purpose of the museum, as they define it, is to "preserve the movements, marks and sounds of non-primate species and consider them, without prejudice, as modes of aesthetic communication, in the hope of gaining new insights into our world." I can honestly say that this work has given me some new insights into our world. If you'd like something to keep forever (and who wouldn't?), what better than a powerful photographic collection that accompanies the exhibition from Heather Busch and Burton Silver.

BOXER TURNS BIRDMAN

Nicknamed the "Baddest Man on the Planet", once famous for biting off a man's ear and a convicted rapist, Mike Tyson has launched a new reality show where he races pigeons. The Social Network told us it's better to be convicted of necrophilia than animal cruelty, but obviously it works the other way round too: if your nice to animals it doesn't matter what your convicted of. What's next? O. J. Simpson timing guinea pigs on treadmills? It's not all roses for Tyson, though, because PETA aren't happy. They've issued a statement saying "if Mike Tyson truly loved birds, he would fight for their protection - not force them into a 'race' that tears them away from their families." I'm not sure what their use of quotation marks around the word race is meant to mean, but I think we can agree that the "Baddest Man on the Planet" has a murky relationship with birds.

ALIVE ALIVE-O

East 15, a trendy New York sushi restaurant, seems to be taking dining to a very nasty level. Top on their menu of specialities is live lobster.