LOOK AT ALL THOSE TINY PEOPLE

There is an intern at work who is about 16. She has brought in her own 2 foot Mac screen and wireless keyboard from home and she is the first person who thinks I'm an old loser. I know it's won't be the last time, but it is the first, honestly, because people ask me for id when I buy cigarettes so, even though I've felt like a loser before, I've never felt like an old one. Anyway, she did show me something pretty awesome the other day and it's this screensaver. It is a series of different locations in Japan filmed using tilt-shift video (or hi-speed photography) which changes everything to look like it's in miniature. They put out new scenes every 2 months or so, along with a different music selection

GIFT-WRAPPING EMERGENCY? LET ME SHOW YOU TO THE GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM

 

Some people might say I'm a little bit obsessed with Tori Spelling ... I'm sorry but how can you not be? Is she a freaky, skinny, black man in drag? I think so. She's also married to someone called Dean McDermott so I'm probably going to be related to her. The reason I want to talk about her today though, is that Petra Ecclestone, daughter of Bernie Ecclestone, has just bought her father's $150 million dollar house in Los Angeles.  Known as The Manor, it is the most expensive house in America, and boasts 26 bathrooms, car parking space for 100 cars, a room of dolls and ... wait for it ... a gift wrapping room. A gift wrapping room? Who possibly imagines they may need one of those? I have been playing a game with myself, it's called "Rooms I would prefer before a gift-wrapping room" and so far I have come up with: a disco room, a fancy dress room, an arts and crafts room, an I don't feel like seeing anyone else but life size mannequins of myself room ...

FAKE TAN AND FISH TAILS

Just when you thought that people were normal, something like this happens - MerCon, a mermaid convention "celebrating all the mermaid realm has to offer" happening in Las Vegas this summer. 1,000 mermaids, mermen and spooky people who like half naked girls with tails have already signed up to attend the show and awards ceremony.  There are 15 different categories of awards including best environmental mermaid, best YouTube mermaid and youngest mermaid. Highlight of the show will be the appearance of professional mermaid Hannah Fraser. Speaking to reporters last week about her work, Hannah said, "It definitely ignites some sort of primordial return to the human soup." What is human soup Hannah? It sounds like something you'd find on a cannibal's menu and probably not something you should be swimming around in dressed up like a complete ninny.

CHART GALLERY

 

This made me laugh today. Jason's blog I Love Charts features designs of charts for people who love charts. I think I like this one the best. But perhaps it's still not quite as good as these old favourites ...

 

 

 

 

SKY HIGH OR UNDERWATER COVERS

I think it might be time for another ode to the book cover designer. These dreamlike covers are by Henry Sene Yee, the creative director at Picador.

Just wanted to give you an example of what a difference a beautiful cover might make to your favourite book.  Voices is a grisly crime novel set in Rekjavik, Sene Yee's design is on the left while the one on the right is what you're likely to find in most bookshops. In a paperless, digital age, this is the reason to buy a good old fashioned book. Even trees are happy with the deal.

THE CAVE OF FORGOTTEN DREAMS

Please please go and see Werner Herzog's fantastic The Cave of Forgotten Dreams if you can.

It's a marvellous, moving homage to the Chauvet Cave in France. Hidden for over 20,000 years and discovered by accident in 1998, the cave has been sealed to all but dedicated scientists ever since. Now Herzog has been allowed extraordinary access to the cave and all it's breathtaking treasures - sparkling carbonised stalactites, the overwhelming silence, the preserved footprints of a boy and a wolf and, of course, the astonishingly beautiful cave paintings. Horses, rhinoceroses and cave lions roam across these walls, as well as the hand prints of a man which are over 30,000 years old. Being able to watch the film in 3d is also a pretty mind-blowing experience.

Written and directed by Herzog, it's much more than a dry documentary, full of music, humour and philosophy, as he meditates on who these people were, why they made these drawings, how we connect to them and whether this is the birthplace of the soul of man.

PORN FOR BOOK LOVERS

Sometimes, when I'm feeling a little bit lonely and it's late at night, I sit in bed and glance through photographs on the internet. It's not an addiction or anything, I don't have a problem, they just look so good and I want all of them so much. The site I'm talking about, unsurprisingly, is Bookshelf Porn - picture after picture of the most beautiful shelves and shops and scultpures in the world (they even have one of Daunt Books in Marylebone, as they should). I think this is one of my absolute favourites.

GOOD BOOK PLEASE

Someone said to me the other day that they never read current books - there are so many classics it seemed stupid to waste time on something that might be terrible. I totally agree and unless you read book reviews, have a friend with exactly the same taste or a trusted independent bookseller it's tricky. So I wanted to suggest a few recent, really good books that I can promise won't be a waste of time ...

Brodeck's Report by Philippe Claudel

Written by the screenwriter of I've Loved You So Long starring Kristen Scott Thomas, this book is fantastic. It's about a poisonous war, determined survival and, ultimately, what it means to be human.

A small, nameless French village is reeling from the Second World War. During years of occupation by the Nazi's, each and every person has done something or behaved in a way they wish to keep hidden. One day a mysterious stranger enters the village riding a white horse and leading a donkey. He seems to be painting the surrounding countryside but somehow he is going to drag up all that these villagers wish to remain hidden. Finally, as the novel unfolds, we find out what the hero is hiding and why his wife has lost her voice.

If you're looking for a page turner then this isn't for you, but if it's a profound, moving and thought-provoking piece of modern literature you're after, then this is hard to beat.

POSTCARDS FROM JAPAN

Here's an easy way to help out with the Japanese recovery ... A publisher called Kodansha has just developed an App which showcases the work of 14 Japanese photographs and 120 of their images of the recent earthquake and tsunami. The  App is called 3/11, it is for iPhones or iPads and it's only 99c  on US iTunes (it's also  available in Europe and the UK).  All profits go to the Japanese Red Cross.

LET ME GUESS ... YOU'RE WEARING BOOK BY KARL LAGERFELD

I'd like to say that books smell different. Some of them smell of nothing at all, some of them smell like dust and attics, some of them smell like calm, quiet, safe places, some smell like stuff you've dropped on them by mistake like mince ... But, for all those people who gush on about how much they love the smell of books, apparently Karl Lagerfeld is one of them, it is now possible to actually smell of books.

YOU MUST BE JOOKIN

Accchhhh. It's been so long. I know. I'm sorry. But, I've got something brilliant. This morning I got sent this video of the world's leading cellist, Yo-Yo Ma, and Jookin star Lil Buck performing together at a charity event. Jookin is a Memphis-born dance style, a liquid form of body-popping where the dancer's feet move so smoothly it's like they're on skates. I've seen performers on the streets in Paris and dancers in the Janelle Monae Tightrope video, but this is truly incredible.

MY MORNING JACKET

I saw this last night and thought it was awesome. Maybe you've heard of My Morning Jacket before, but I hadn't. Apparently they once played a four hour set at a festival in Tennessee, featuring special guest star Kirk Hammett from Metallica. Remarkably, their set also included a cover of Kool and the Gang's Get Down on It. Obviously another reason I'm keen is their beautiful song The Librarian.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI ASKS SOME ANIMALS TO SEDUCE HER

Last night a very charming ballerina recommended this strange series written and directed by Isabella Rossellini for the Sundance Channel. Seduce Me, as it's called, is a celebration of animals and their delicate existence by focusing on some of their weirder seduction and mating rituals. This video become a viral hit last year when New York suffered a bed bug epidemic.

FOR FLAPPERS TO PHILOSOPHERS

One book cover designer you'll be seeing everywhere at the moment is Coralie Bickford-Smith who designs all of Penguin's classic editions. I think they're mixed, but the Scott Fitzgerald collection of six novels and short stories is absolutely beautiful. They also make great presents - a treat for anyone who hasn't read them or a glorious edition for anyone who has.

POSTCARDS FROM THE PAST

"But dear, are you sure they let same sex couples adopt?"

"Did someone just fart?"

"Nobody knows, but I just peed my pants a little bit."

Terry Castle shares her brilliant collection of vintage postcards. She is uploading one a day for a year and  you can take a look at them on her blog.

THE TERRIBLE ENDS OF THE GASHLYCRUMB TINIES

Many of you will know him already, but I'm continually thrilled to see Edward Gorey books in the best bookshops. Born in Chicago to parents who were divorced and then remarried 16 years later, he has illustrated or written countless books all recognisable for their strange, macabre and Edwardian feel. Think Tim Burton crossed with Hilaire Belloc.

My favourite of all is his creepy alphabet book about the terrible ends of the Gashlycrumb Tinies.

HOW ABOUT A BOWL OF CORNFLAKES DEAR?

It's official, I'm a bit of a prude. I thought the Museum of Sex, here in New York, might be rather interesting but in fact it's mostly porn, life size sex mannequins and photographs of a duck's penis. I spent my entire trip studiously reading the wall notes, too sheepish to look at the exhibits themselves and desperately trying to avoid eye contact with fellow voyeurs. The strangest thing of all is that they have an aphrodisiac cafe in the basement, a dark, grubby, pervert's dungeon slap bang in the middle of 5th Avenue, which seems both an unsanitary and awkward place to get frisky. Far from being a wasted trip, however, it led me to a discovery ...

In the 18th century Samuel-Auguste Tissot wrote a paper on the dangers of onanism (masturbation to you or I), a paper that became so successful it's as if Allen Carr wrote The Easy Way to Stop W*nking. A young doctor and Seventh Day Adventist named John Harvey Kellogg was inspired by the paper which suggested that chronic onanism could lead to severe illness and even death. Kellogg wrote his own response, apparently while on his honeymoon, which suggested a variety of cures including chastity contraptions, yoghurt enemas and even circumcision. His real interest however, was the diet. He believed a healthy diet avoiding red meat was the best way to control sexual urges. With this in mind, him and his brother developed an equivalent to the fried breakfast which became known as Kellogg's Cornflakes.

Puts rather a different slant on the 'regular size' doesn't it?

FOR THE BOOK COVER LOVER

In honour of my dear friend the Book Cover Lover, I thought I might do some features on beautiful book covers and their designers.  The master of contemporary book design is undoubtedly the marvellous Chip Kidd. I've picked two of my favourites here, but you would recognise many of them, for example the covers of Jurassic Park and The Essential Tales of Chekhov were designed by him. If you fancy a bigger fix then his collection, Book One, is irresistible.

ROYAL WEDDING TIP NUMBER ONE

Being in the market myself these days, I thought it might be nice to pass on a few wedding tips to Wills and Kate. Like any couple, they're keen to make their big day special so what better way to make a splash at Westminster than to hire a celebrity minister? It will cost you just a snip at $5,000 to hire Tori Spelling for the big day. Spelling is no novice, having officiated at a same-sex union when she ran bed and breakfast Chateau La Rue. She said, "It was so beautiful as I united Tony and Dex as life partners in love. They wrote their own beautiful vows and there was so much love surrounding them that there wasn't a dry eye in the driveway!" Maybe she could help Will and Kate write their own vows?

THE ELVER GUIDE TO RHINEBECK, NEW YORK

Two hours upstate from Manhattan, where Chelsea Clinton got married and Rufus Wainwright grew up (which explains why he may or may not be prepared to sell you some chintzy wallpaper in this photograph). 

Very pretty and populated by farm shops, antiques stores and homeware bargains - see no further than Hammertown, unrelated to M C Hammer. Other favourites are the rug shop where the salesman Dave explained he couldn’t buy a rug for himself because he doesn’t have a house, and Grooming by Betsie which may or may not be an emporium for pedophiles. 

Outside the Rhinebeck Smoke Shop is this statue of a Native American chief looking like an outraged transvestite caught in flagrante. It may well be the oldest sculpture of a Native American in America, Rhinebeck claims the oldest everything in America.

If you have a car, check out the range of faux Georgian country houses in the area dating from the “let’s pretend to be English” phase - see Edith Wharton for details. But be warned, there’s a surprising amount of road rage simmering below Rhinebeck's Martha Stewart exterior. 

NO, OR AT LEAST NOT RIGHT NOW

Scientists at the Weizmann institute in Israel have discovered that female tears, based on an emotional reaction, reduce sexual arousal in men. Dr. Sobel from the institute explains: “Basically we found that it’s a chemically conditioned signal indicating no or at least not right now.” Unfortunately, they weren’t able to measure the effect of men’s tears on women because they couldn’t collect enough tears from their male volunteers. So basically ladies if you think “no” or at least “not right now,” then think of that bit in Last of the Mohicans when Jodhi May jumps off a cliff. And guys, what the hell is wrong with you people? Bambi's mother died, she's never coming back! You could at least shed one tiny little tear!

CAUSE JESUS HE KNOWS ME, AND HE KNOWS I"M RIGHT ...

Of all the weird and unexpected celebration days in the world - Squirrel Appreciation Day, Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk Day - I think this one tops them all. Every year, on the 15th February, Brooklyn hosts the Phil Collins Day Parade. This year saw 250 attendants dressed in Phil Collins masks, a float, a band and an imitation Phil. 

ARE YOU GOING TO SAN FRANCISCO?

For any lovers of San Francisco, this is the book for you. Author and resident Rebecca Solnit has created an atlas charting not only the geography of this 7 mile urban space, but a social, political and cultural history. A loving, minute exploration of the bay area with endless discoveries, from blues clubs to butterfly habitats. There are also 22 coloured maps, each by a different artist, which illustrate the book perfectly. 

DO YOU LOVE ME, NOW THAT I CAN DANCE?

Because it's been a bit of an art week, I'd like to bring your attention to MONPA, or the Museum of Non-Primate Art. The organisation has got some really great stuff this season that is definitely competing on an international level and I'd like to bring them some much-needed publicity. Their three current online collections are the thought-provoking Why Cats Paint, the emotive Dancing with Cats and the expressionist Bird Art. The purpose of the museum, as they define it, is to "preserve the movements, marks and sounds of non-primate species and consider them, without prejudice, as modes of aesthetic communication, in the hope of gaining new insights into our world." I can honestly say that this work has given me some new insights into our world. If you'd like something to keep forever (and who wouldn't?), what better than a powerful photographic collection that accompanies the exhibition from Heather Busch and Burton Silver.

BOXER TURNS BIRDMAN

Nicknamed the "Baddest Man on the Planet", once famous for biting off a man's ear and a convicted rapist, Mike Tyson has launched a new reality show where he races pigeons. The Social Network told us it's better to be convicted of necrophilia than animal cruelty, but obviously it works the other way round too: if your nice to animals it doesn't matter what your convicted of. What's next? O. J. Simpson timing guinea pigs on treadmills? It's not all roses for Tyson, though, because PETA aren't happy. They've issued a statement saying "if Mike Tyson truly loved birds, he would fight for their protection - not force them into a 'race' that tears them away from their families." I'm not sure what their use of quotation marks around the word race is meant to mean, but I think we can agree that the "Baddest Man on the Planet" has a murky relationship with birds.

ALIVE ALIVE-O

East 15, a trendy New York sushi restaurant, seems to be taking dining to a very nasty level. Top on their menu of specialities is live lobster.

ART ATTACK

This week is New York's Armory Show and I wanted to share with you some of the highlights.  Gilbert & George had laid out postcards in the shape of the urethra sign (who knew there was a sign and I'm not sure which sign language it belongs to), my favourite was a postcard explaining the meaning of douche. There were a series of photographs making everybody smile of a number of different chairs, some wicker, some plastic, some lined, some holed, and next to each one was a photograph of a woman's naked bottom with the imprint of the chair on her butt cheeks. Finally, New York photographer Lori Nix painstakingly builds tiny models of imaginary places and photographs them to produce these absorbing, strangely beautiful images.

AND WHAT BIG KITCHEN UTENSILS YOU HAVE GRANDMA!

Illustrator Jean-Francois Martin and cookery journalist Esterelle Payany have published this quirky little cookbook with recipes inspired by fictional villains. Unlike a lot of small, stocking-filler type books, this is funny, well-written and the illustrations are beautiful. The Big Bad Wolf teaches you how to make Pigs in Blankets, Brutus makes a Caesar salad and Hannibal Lector shares his recipe for sweetbreads with sherry.

BREAST MILK ICE CREAM FANS DENIED FIX

I'm gutted to hear that Covent Garden's speciality ice cream shop, Icecreamist, has had to  withdraw one of its newest and best-selling products. The jugs, I mean tubs of Baby Gaga, alternatively known as breast milk ice cream, have been confiscated by local authorities when some concerned customers complained that it was illegal to sell food products made from bodily fluids. Can't wait to see what's next on their list...

AND THE BEST OSCAR SPEECH GOES TO ...

Quick extra blog to celebrate the Oscar win for Luke Matheny - not only is his short film fantastic but so was his speech and his hair.

SHOCK DISCOVERY: MOST DANGEROUS BIRD IN THE WORLD LIVES IN AUSTRALIA

The recent floods in Queensland have apparently sent homeless birds wandering into local towns and villages. We're not talking a couple of sparrows, though, but something called a Cassowary. Looking like a cross between a turkey and a dinosaur, this 6 foot, 130 pound flightless bird has three five inch talons on each leg and can be known to disembowel people when threatened. Surprise surprise, the deadliest bird in the world lives in Australia, a continent where I'm sure even earth worms have teeth. 

MARVELLOUS MAPS

If you are someone who finds maps as intriguing as I do, there are two beautiful books out at the moment which should satisfy any cartophile. In Atlas of Remote Islands Judith Schalansky has picked 50 of the most remote islands in the world, places she is certain never to go, and drawn an exquisite map for each one alongside a pocket, poetic, enchanting history. Schalansky makes these islands sound like magical inventions from Jonathan Swift. From Here to There is another gem - a remarkable collection of the rudimentary maps drawn everyday by people trying to remember where the nearest tube is, inventing an imaginary land or drawing something important to them like the inside of their school locker. Kris Harzinski, author of this collection and founder of the Hand Drawn Map Association, has included sketches from Abraham Lincoln to a woman suffering from arthritis who maps where she has been given injections so she can leave her body time to heal.

A PITTSBURGH MUSICAL MASH-UP

Pittsburgh genius Gregg Gillis, better known as Girl Talk,  is an ex-biomedic turned DJ and seems to have perfected the art of the digital mashup with this fab website sampling over 300 songs in 50 minutes. The best part is that you can see what he's mixed while it's playing. More fun since something really fun you did recently.  Did you see the new Justin Beiber film? Did you beat a personal best on the running machine? Hard to believe, I know, but this is better.